The DOs and DON'Ts of Dealing with a Fire Victim.

Having lost my home in last year’s Waldo Canyon fire, I gleaned a lot of experience on how this traumatic event feels. So, I’ve compiled a list of Dos and DON’Ts for when you talk with a fire victim.

First, the DON’Ts:

1.     DON’T say, “You and your family are safe. That’s what’s really important.” While this is technically true, it also sounds condescending and preachy. The family is of course very happy that each member got out safely. They don’t need you to tell them what is and isn’t important. Besides, they just lost almost everything they owned.

2.     DON’T say, “Well, good thing it was just stuff.” Definitely don’t say this, in any form. The fact is, it isn’t just stuff. Not only were all their essentials burned (even down to things we take for granted, like towels and silverware), but also many things that held strong sentimental value. These people lost wedding dresses, family heirlooms, quilts made by grandmothers, baby clothes, china, and more. Some people even lost precious pets.

3.     DON’T say, “I’m kind of jealous that you get to get all-new stuff.” You may be trying to help the person see the bright side, but this comment comes off as insensitive. First of all, it’s not about you. Second of all, it’s actually a very stressful, time-consuming process to replace so much.

4.     DON’T say, “I’m sorry you lost your dog/cat/horse/etc. At least all the people are safe.” A large number of pet owners see their animals as a part of their family. It’s heartbreaking to lose one, especially in such a tragic way.

5.     DON’T try to talk a lot about the tragedy or stay and visit for more than a few minutes if you come by to drop something off. It’s a lot to process, and fire victims have a lot to grieve. Having to talk and socialize can wear them thin.

6.     DON’T assume that the victims should “get over it.” Their house, their belongings, and possibly their pets/animals were ripped away from them in a violent way. Some may have lived in the same house most of their lives. Some may have just moved to the area, buying their very first home as a married couple. Everyone feels like they have been raped mentally and emotionally. This is a situation where Post Traumatic Stress Disorder can pop up, and understandably so.

7.     DON’T say, “I know how you feel. ____________ happened to me a few years ago.” If your situation isn’t exactly the same, then you don’t know how a fire victim feels. And this isn’t the time for comparisons on whose loss/tragic event was worse.

8.     DON’T ever downplay how they’re feeling or insist they see the positive side. Although the initial grief will lessen, this is a tragedy they’ll feel in some form or another for the rest of their lives.

Now, the DOs:

1.     DO send a note or text or other sentiment. Unless you’re family or a very close friend, make it quick at first, promising to check back in later. And then do.

2.     DO feel free to send or drop off a gift or a donation. Even if they get more things than they need, they can pass the extra off to other victims or donate it.

3.     DO be proactive. Make them a meal, offer to babysit kids, etc. Don’t wait for them to ask you, because they probably won’t. Just don’t be forceful or get offended if they tell you, “No thanks.”

4.     DO pray for them. And let them know you’re praying for them. They need peace and hope during this time.

5.     DO offer to help clean up their property if needed. It’s a big job, and if they own the land then they are responsible to get everything cleared out of their area.

6.     DO be a listening ear, but don’t try to dig for details or insinuate yourself. Don’t make any part of this be about you.

7.     DO give gift cards. These people are starting over, and gift cards will help them rebuild their lives, even after insurance has run out (assuming they even got much!).

8.     DO allow them to grieve in their own time, in their own way.

Did I forget anything? Feel free to share in the comments!